I recently participated in an email thread that started with an anonymous accusatory email I received last week. The exchange went something like this:

Crazy internet lady:   i said, you are the worst husband i know. i know that you love me, but you really hurt me sometimes. you seem so often not to appreciate how hard i am working to make our family be okay. i do so much and you so rarely acknowledge that. and do you not think i wish i had perfect skin? but i have all these hormones coursing through my body from giving birth to our son and being on the pill. not in my control. but the things that are in my control, i give my whole heart to. and you just sit back and make your smart ass remarks to try and make me feel small. and i don’t understand that because i know i am such an amazingly strong, good woman whose family is my absolute first priority. i would think you’d appreciate that more and let me know that often. but you don’t. and so i think you suck.

Jon:  I think you may have sent this to the wrong person. Perhaps.

Crazy internet lady: see what i mean? that’s all you can say… thanks for trying to see my point of view, as always (or never as the case may be).

Jon: I’m so glad I can continue to be a loving, caring husband to you.

Crazy internet lady: okay, so you don’t really even love me. my mistake.

Jon: apology accepted.

Crazy internet lady: i’ll say this as lovingly as i can, Font you!

Jon: Aw, that’s sweet

Crazy internet lady:yep, you are the absolute worst. don’t bother with a smart ass reply. i’m going to bed.

Jon:  Sweet dreams, fake wife of mine!

Crazy internet lady: can’t sleep. how’s this for a reality check? if i can’t get a full-time teaching job with a county, i’m looking at a $10,000 to $20,000 cut in pay. so there’s no way i’ll be able to pay any of your bills next year. so you really might want to get on establishing your own blog/website so you can start stock-piling money.

Jon: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I just registered www.thebesthusbandintheworldwiththeworstwifeintheworld.com. Do you think that will draw in a lot of traffic?

Crazy internet lady: oh, my God. that is HILARIOUS. you really aren’t my husband! i just checked with my husband and found out his e-mail is different. so sorry i vented to you, but i’m glad for the laugh today. it’s been a crappy week. the universe is a funny place - i can’t believe this! have a nice life, mistaken husband…

I feel bad for the real husband. No really, I do.

I just came across this article on Forbes about the $700 billion bailout plan, and this quote is all I needed to read:

“[The dollar figure is] not based on any particular data point,” a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.”

It almost feels like an article written for The Onion. Sadly, it’s the real deal. And now that everyone knows the economy runs on love, puppies, and free government dollars, we just need to find some love and puppies.

My beloved headphones have been out of commission for the last week and a half. It’s incredible to me what a different world I have experienced not having headphones shoved in my ears during my morning and evening commutes. I actually talk to people now, smile at people, and enjoy overhearing ridiculous conversations on the train. In some ways, the sky almost seems bluer and the asphalt more asphalt-y. All this to say, if you spend a lot of time with your iPod, try leaving it at home for a day. You might be surprised.

the new subway commercials refer to their sandwiches as “yum rockets”. i never thought i’d say this, but could you guys please put jared back on?

two quick updates:

1) i just upgraded my wordpress installation, so if you see anything funky or not working on the site, let me know.

2) i am headed for south america tonight and will be back friday evening. if i don’t have yellow fever by then, i’ll have to think up some other excuse for not updating this blog very often.

i discovered a foolproof plan for enjoying a cost-free evening at the manayunk brewery last night:

1. wear or bring a baseball cap to the venue. make sure it is not turned around backwards, which will give the impression that you are a gang member or a drug dealer.
2. when you are ready to leave, flip the cap around on your head so you are now wearing it backwards,like a gang member or a drug dealer.
3. make an effort to catch a bouncer’s eye. the bouncers tend to look and act like the other drunk customers, so they can be hard to pick out. if you see a skinny white dude with gelled up hair, there’s a good chance he’s a bouncer.
4. if you successfully catch the bouncer’s eye, he will come over and ask you to wear your hat the “right” way.
5. act a bit surprised, but oblige him anyway.
6. as soon as he walks away, make sure to turn your hat back around because real gang members have pride.
7. when he looks back to check on you, he will see that you are staying true to your drug dealer roots.
8. if you have carried out the above steps properly, the bouncer will come back over and escort you out of the brewery because drug dealers and people that look like them are not welcome at the manayunk brewery.
9. when the two of you reach the door, the bouncer may be a bit rude and knock your hat off your head while calling you an “asshole”. take this in stride, since you just enjoyed an evening of sushi and microbrewed beer on the house. not too shabby!

dropping off the face of the internet was fun for a while, but i just can’t stay away for good. for those who aren’t in the know, i started a new job three weeks ago. it’s super crazy fun times. and for those who are in the know, well, now you know what you know now, no?

the biggest news of this week by far is that i have been selected for philadelphia jury duty. i was so excited when i opened my mailbox to see this:

there was an ad in the metro this morning about a papa john’s celebrating their grand opening with “customer appreciation day”. call me crazy, but shouldn’t every day be customer appreciation day?

i went to lunch yesterday at a pizza parlor in university city. while i was waiting in line to order, i noticed one of the workers taking down a phone order and using his TI-83 to diligently tally up the total. warning signs being what they are, i made doubly sure they subscribed to the discrete probability distribution of poisson, the multiplicative property of equality, and euclid’s parallel postulate before i ordered. because pizza without math has threatened to vote republican.

spread the word.

my nintendo wii has inexplicably become my primary news source these days. maybe it’s the fact that i’m lazy or maybe i just take pride in the fact that i surf my news in high definition.

either way, my wii informed me today that the american dialect society (i didn’t know it existed either) had chosen the word subprime as 2007’s word of the year. i was more amused by 2006’s word of the year which was plutoed, meaning to demote or devalue someone or something. if you don’t get it then we’ll tell you when you’re older.

also worth checking out are the nominations for 2007 (pdf). some highlights include:

• Googlegänger: person with your name who shows up when you google yourself.
• toe-tapper: a homosexual. senator Larry Craig was arrested in june for an encounter in a public restroom in which toe-tapping was said to have been used as a sexual come-on. 
• quadriboobage: the appearance of having four breasts caused by wearing a brassiere that is too small.
• NINJA: No Income, No Job or Assets. a poorly
  documented loan made to a high-risk borrower.

these are very reminiscent of sniglets, which i remember my third grade teacher being very fond of.