no one has ever claimed to be a safe, courteous, and downright boring driver. no one ever says “remember when i was the guy doing 55 in the right lane driving with both hands on the wheel playing the radio at a reasonable volume?” what is it that drives us as human beings to that elusive privilege known as ‘bragging rights’?

i’ve never seen a chimpanzee jump from the highest tree in the forest while the other chimpanzees cheered him on. i’ve never heard of a whale beaching himself in an attempt to break the whale beaching record. even dogs, one of the most attention-seeking animals on earth, don’t exhibit life-endangering behavior in an attempt to win affection. so what is it that has lead to cultural phenomenons such as jackass and fear factor?

my uneducated, johnny knoxville-loving guess is that we do it for power. now, the word power has broad implications and has as many definitions as injuries that a typical male will inflict on himself before his eighteenth birthday. i believe just about all of its definitions and synonyms are applicable here. we do it for money, fame, the attention of a lady, or more likely just because our friend offered to buy us a burger. i have been known to fall temptation to a burger many times.

now, the observation can be made that some species of animals occasionally succumb to the lure of power and put themselves in harm’s way for the chance at moving up in the chain of command. we’ve all seen bambi, right? remember how thumper used to skate around on the frozen lake like a young nancy kerrigan? that’s not really relevant here, i just thought it was cute how he used to skate around. i think the difference between animal power struggles and human displays of power is that animal struggles in the offense are survival based, and in the defense are defensive (also survival) based. if that made sense, welcome to my higher plane of intelligence where only a select few reside in an intellectual utopia. if it didn’t make sense, have fun pushing papers or driving trucks or whatever it is you do for a living. i feel especially sorry for you if you drive papers or push trucks. or drive paper trucks. ok, i’m done.

in conclusion, i am not a zoologist nor do i have a degree in animalatology. i once knew a guy who had one and both of his cats were still alive. that was pretty impressive.

i used to think self-checkout lines were the best thing ever invented since super nintendo. however, my opinion of them changed this week and i now believe they are the most time-wasting timesavers in the world. even more time-wasting than american idol, frozen burritos, and the internet combined. i spent more time arguing with the screen than scanning items or doing anything even remotely related to checkout.

if you ever want to be treated like a geriatric hamster who just doesn’t get the exercise wheel, make sure to bring more than one item into the self-checkout line. the system, which was built by an aspiring sports commentator, enjoys calling the play by play of what it thinks is happening. even though it lacks any sense of sight and does not posess a brain, it just happens to be dead wrong every time. here’s a list of common interjections little miss robotic voice may raise throughout the checkout process, and my suggested responses to them:

lmrv: “please place the item in the bagging area.”
you: “i’m not sure why it matters where i put the item after i scan it. besides the fact that it is in the bagging area, don’t you have more important things to worry about, like what you are going to do when you’re replaced by a teenager who can do your job twice as well in half the time?”

lmrv: “an unexpected item is in the bagging area.”
you: “yes, that’s because i had some free time while you were yelling at me for something else and i decided to steal three mangos and the small child of the mother standing behind me.”

lmrv: “por favor espera para la ayuda.”
you (to the friend you now regret bringing along with you): “thanks for hitting the spanish button. now i have no idea what the hell this thing wants me to do, and the shopping gestapo over there is giving me a dirty look since neither of us clearly speaks any spanish.”

thankfully, the honorable clerk who was presiding over the self-checkout line was kind enough to swipe her magic backstage pass to the self-checkout show and to convince the machine to give us a second chance in our native language. as payment for her kindness however, she took a front row seat for act two, which was titled “this machine sucks and there’s nothing jon can do about it”. all in all, not a bad show for the price.

p.s. remember sinbad the comedian? i just found this in his filmography on imdb:

Time Out: The Truth About HIV, AIDS, and You (1992) (V) .... Condom

does anyone have a video of that stunning performance?

after two months of sweat, tears, and thumb blisters, ganondorf has been defeated and peace has been restored to the land of hyrule. until the next zelda game is released.

i have a theory that attributes a large part of youtube’s success to how well they have catered to the natural human ego. everyone wants a chance to contribute to our culture in exchange for a bit of fame and appreciation. while youtube has certainly contributed to lowering the barrier for content creation, it has also encouraged anyone equipped with a film-recording device and opposable thumbs to exercise these talents in the form of amateur voyeurism. at least, that’s how i justified snapping this video.

in case you were wondering, i just wasted seven seconds of your life with video of somebody wearing a teepee hat. i only take responsibility for wasting seven seconds. watch it again at your own discretion. if you know where i can buy one of these hats, please send me a link. would-be spammers, please understand that i do not wish to buy viagra, xanax, or penis mightiers. just a teepee hat.

once again, a camera phone, youtube, and a complete lack of sleep on my part have generated the blogging equivalent of frozen burritos. at least this entry won’t give you diarrhea.

this afternoon i was subjected to levels of shock and horror i would wish on only one of my three archenemies. i received an email from myspace indicating that i had a new friend request. from someone with the same first name as my mother. now, the brain has a funny way of generating explanations for things that shock, surprise, or that it just doesn’t understand. it is more a process of efficiency and speed than one of logic and reasoning. the only requirement is that all known variables are accounted for in the resulting explanation. in other words, it was perfectly reasonable to me to think that the communists were invading and my mother had somehow figured out the internet, created a myspace account, and sent me a friend request.

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it’s a rare non-beer commercial that grows funnier everytime i see it.

the best part is the mother nodding her head in agreement at the end. rewind it. you’ll see what i mean.

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